Drinking You Pretty

I don’t mind if it’s Bourbon
I don’t mind if it’s wine.
I don’t mind if we do shooters.
A ton of cold beers would be fine.

And I know in the morning I’ll feel shitty,
But tonight, baby, I’m drinking you… pretty

Bustin’ the Beasties

I had a dream I was at a concert, I don’t know who was playing, but Adam from the Beastie Boys was doing the visuals.

I was seated at a round table with a few strangers and I realized we are at some sort of awards ceremony.

One of the guys at my table turned to me and said, “Man the visuals are pretty cool.”

and I told him “Yeah, that’s the dude from the Beastie Boys, he does art too.”

And then the song ended and Adam came out from behind the light desk and  started chatting up the crowd…”Ya’ll ready for a little Sabotage?”

I groaned, and shouted something about it being overplayed “Nooo! Let’s hear something else!”

Adam – and the whole room – heard me and looked over as he started doing an a cappella version of the hit song…without the rest of the band. As he rhymed the first verse he walked through the crowd over to my table and when he got there, he stopped, looked right at me, and made up a quick freestyle rap about how everybody loves this song except some drunk guy – meaning me.

I looked around and laughed with everybody, but the guys at my table we giving me looks, and I realized Adam was taking the piss. He was walking away, with his back to me, laughing about how “he still got it.”

So I jumped up and shouted over the laughter, rapping…

Not drunk, just bored of the old routine

Did you come over to say hi, or simply to be mean?

The crowd stopped laughing and Adam turned around staring at me in disbelief…so I continued…

I’ve been a fan since Cookiepuss,

So please relax and don’t make a fuss

You got a ton a songs that are so damn great

Did you have to pick one that is way overplayed?

Then I woke up.

Miss and Mr. Understood

Sally entered the party reluctantly.

She didn’t want to be there. It had been a long, hard day and all she really wanted to do was go home, soak in the tub and enjoy a glass of wine. Alone. Instead here she was in a friend of friends house breathing in second hand smoke and wondering how she got talked into coming in the first place.

Surrounded by meaningless small talk, Sally adjourned to the balcony for some fresh air. As she shut the door she said out loud to herself, “this is ridiculous.”

A subtle cough surprised her as she turned to see a handsome man of about 35 lazily twiddling an empty wine glass smiling at her. Sally slowly regained her composure while taking in the sight of this handsome stranger.

“You startled me. It’s just all these people, blowing smoke – pretending to be such great friends when secretly they want each other’s jobs, wives, houses…they don’t really care about each other…or anything of real importance. I don’t even know why I came – all I wanted to do tonight was soak in the tub and enjoy a nice glass of wine.”

 ”I completely understand,” said the man, smiling and stepping towards her.

Sally wondered, was her tub big enough for two?

The Bridge Tender’s Lament

Oh my it’s so chilly

Up here on the bridge.

Oh my it’s so chilly

Up here on the bridge.

 

Oh my it’s so chilly

My little ol’ willy

Done shriveled 

Up here on the bridge.

My Favourite Snack

I like peanut butter

I like honey too

I’d like to smear them both

All over you

Talk to Me

Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Start something.

I see you every day walking down the street.
The kind of girl I’d like to meet.
Looking kinda sweet.

Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
Start something.

Say: Hi is this seat taken?

Say: Excuse me do you have the time?

Say: Boy it’s hot.

Start something.

Fo Reals Yo

Driving Turkeys

I can’t remember why he was chose a turkey costume or where he got it.

But there we all were driving home from a Halloween party and, to be honest, we’re all smashed having worked our way through at least 2 handles of Jim Beam.

I’m in the back with everyone and we’re cracking ourselves up about the turkey’s bad driving when the dreaded law shows up behind us, blue lights reflecting everywhere.

So now a ghost, a circus clown, Captain Hook, President Nixon…and a turkey are all trying to hide empties and act sober while a pig dressed in his blue costume walks up to the turkey’s window.

Straight face: “Licence and registration.”

Turkey hands them over trying not to exhale.

“Do you know I’ve been following your for fifteen minutes?”

Turkey shakes his feathery head no.

 “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

More turkey shake. A feather flits out the window and lands on the cop who ignores it.

 “Do you know you were driving with your headlights off?”

Straight face: “Officer, do you know, turkeys can see in the dark?”

Fact: You can die trying not to laugh – and the turkey got off.

Man on a Mission

You can’t stop me

I’m a man on a mission

Doing not being

Thinking not seeing

If I let you in

You can stop me

Evil Tricks

I used a safety pin to poke holes in all his condoms.

I smashed all his wine glasses and put shards of glass in his bed.  I kicked his bicycle and keyed his car. I looked for his favourite shirt intending to rip it to shreds, but couldn’t find it. And before I left, I dragged his toothbrush around the edge of the toilet bowl.

I did all these things because of Becky’s phone call:

“Hey, its me, I’m at Benny’s for a work dinner thing and Curt and Margaret are at the bar making out like teenagers. They seem pretty drunk, I think you better get down here.”

Of all the days that bastard could do something like this to me – with my best friend no less while I’m sitting at his place waiting for him. Hoping he’ll come through with flowers, tickets to something, dinner reservations…any little sign that he actually gives a shit.

So after doing all those things, I got in the car and sped off to Benny’s to confront the man I loved and the best friend I thought I could trust.

The froofy Maître’d asks if he can help. ”Only if you have a baseball bat,” I say as I brush past him and storm into the lounge.

Right away I spot Curt at the bar wearing his favourite shirt, grinning like an idiot, laughing with Margaret. And it’s ages after the whole room shouts “Surprise” that I realize.

Whole minutes tick by while I try to make sense of the familiar faces smiling at me, hugging me, patting me on the back. And then Curt is next to me, wishing me happy birthday with a bouquet of flowers and open arms expecting a hug.

I want to kill him and kiss him all at once.  I accept his embrace and whisper in his ear:

“Do you mind if we stay at my place tonight?”